Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize