The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
