Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Life is so much better after having sex.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
