There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
COCAINE IS GR8
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
