sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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