im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
