i just wanna soil my oats bro
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
