mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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