So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
