everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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