she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
