so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They have beer where we have blood.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i now understand why vodka
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
