Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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