Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
