He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
