true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am spending my child support on dildos
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
