i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
