I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
