I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
