I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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