i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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