he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize