I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
