any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
