I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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