I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
