im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize