Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
