I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
