Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
