I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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