Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
β"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donβt have to recycle anymore ππ
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize