I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
