What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize