he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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