someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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