Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's official drugs can't kill me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
