You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
