Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
