Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
