Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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