apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
