Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
