Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
