Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
