i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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