I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
