where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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