fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
