I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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