Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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