Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I smell like Dick and happiness
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
