two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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