Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
