He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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