It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
