someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
