I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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