so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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